Who wears a wallet chain?!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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