The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
