Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
