and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
