We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
