We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize