I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
