explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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