and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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