just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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