FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
