you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
