i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
