My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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