I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
