I think my fart just growled at me.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
