This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
