I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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