I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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