Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
