I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
