shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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