note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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