Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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