My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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