do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
