I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
