who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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