saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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