we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
