Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
