you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
