Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
