whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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