Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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