Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
