Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
