And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
