smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
