I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize