i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
