i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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