Your dad touched me again.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
