So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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