omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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