he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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