I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
tell your sister to shave her snatch
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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