Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
