Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
