he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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