Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
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