i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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